Monday, December 31, 2012

Becoming Parents

Two years ago today was the day Wade and I became parents for the first time, on New Year's Eve.

After not sleeping a wink the night before, tears continued to stream down our faces. At 5ish in the morning my water broke. I remember not telling anyone because I wanted to hold on to Kaden a little longer. I knew it wasn't long before we would lose him forever. My thoughts and emotions were everywhere and overworked. I was becoming numb to all the pain surrounding me.

Mid day I was moved over to labor and delivery. A room I imagined being in with a smile on my face and a baby to take home. With balloons, a newborn outfit, and a new car seat. None of those things were there. The room felt cold, empty, and gloomy.

I remember my day nurse, Kristen, telling me that Kaden might already be gone when he is born. That his coloring would be off, his skin would be sticky and thin, and his eyes would be fused shut. She was preparing us for the inevitable. My ears rang a numbing sound as I listened to her words. What stung the most is her handing me a pamphlet about loss and a book about an empty cradle and a broken heart....all before our son was born. My heart ached even more then it already did. Something I didn't think was possible.

The hours passed and my labor progressed. My nurse and I chatted about other things to stay occupied: books, movies, school, life. Wade and I talked about the dreams we had for our little man: all the firsts, walks around the neighborhood, bringing him home, etc. He held my hand the while time and never let go. I remember him comforting me as I broke down in spurts throughout the day. He looked at me with love although I looked like a swollen puff ball with eyes that barely opened. It was during these moments I thought if our wedding vows: for better or worse. This was our worst. And he was right there by my side. We were together every step of the way.

I remember feeling Kaden drop and telling my night nurse, Cassie, that I felt the urge to push. I remember her calling my OB's partner to come in since it was New Year's Eve and she was out of town. When he got there, I knew it was near the end. The end of holding on to my son. A son we wanted very much. A little boy who was and is still loved very much.

After 15 hours of labor, from the time my water broke, and five pushes, our son Kaden was born. He was alive and moving and perfect. As soon as I saw him and held him I was in love beyond words. I will never forget the way he moved his skis and opened and closed his little mouth. Wade and I were crying happy and sad tears. Happy tears because we brought our beautify baby boy into the world. We were parents. He was ours. Sad tears because we didn't know how long we had with him. I remember cherishing every moment we had, every second. We talked to him, kissed him, held him. We told him about his puppy, his room, and special things about our family. The best part was when he squeezed both of our fingers. He felt our love. He was telling us he loved us back. We felt his love too.

Those precious two hours we spent with him were amazing. I memorized every part of his face and his little body, so I would never forget it. I never wanted that time with him to end. I wanted to keep Kaden forever. We told him we would see him one day in Heaven. We told him we loved him. Those were the last words we said to him. Ever.

As people celebrated the new year, we held our lifeless cold son. Most parents get to dress their baby and hear sweet little cries. We put him in a box. The only crying was from us. We went home empty handed and empty bellied to what seemed like a dark quiet prison. Something no parent should ever have to do.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. Not in my mind anyway. But God apparently had another plan for us. He needed our little angel up in Heaven. I'll forever wonder the reason why he was taken from us so soon. But I have no choice, I must continue down the path that was set for me. I know if he was still here with us, we wouldn't have Rylei. And she has brought us so much joy and filled our hearts with so much love. She brought our smiles back. She was the sunshine that made our dark days disappear.

Today we celebrate Kaden's 2nd birthday. But this year, we have our sweet Rylei Bear with us. We look back and remember our short time with him. Although he is physically gone, he will forever be with us in our hearts. He will forever be our son, our first child, and a member of our family. He is our little man, our angel. And we know he watches over us and protects us. Always.

We love you baby boy!! Happy 2nd Birthday!! We know your celebrating up in heaven with all your sweet little angel baby friends. This year mommy made you funfetti cake. We will blow out your second birthday candle for you tonight with love. Xoxo

KLMS <3 <3

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Shattered Dreams

Two years ago today was my cerclage day. All the meds were in, I was on the table ready to go, and numb from the waist down. The team of perinatologists were underway to stitching me up. I remember praying for the stitch to go in easily without complications and that it would work at keeping my little guy in there for at least another 10 weeks. I remember being teary eyed because I was so scared and worked up. All of these events happened so fast, it was a lot to digest in such a short period of time.

Ten minutes into the procedure the doctors stopped. I definitely wasn't expecting what was coming next. They told me they were so sorry but couldn't continue because they saw an infection brewing. If they sewed me up it would make me septic and wouldn't stop the bag of water from eventually breaking. It was just a matter of time. Labor was inevitable and we would lose our son.

I literally broke down into the deepest crying session I had ever experienced. My heart and spirit were broken. My dreams were shattered. My son whom I loved and carried for 5 1/2 months was going to die.

I remember the doctors bringing wade in and we broke down together. This was not how we envisioned becoming parents. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Losing our son wasn't even something we thought was possible. We went from having the best Christmas to living the worst nightmare.

Needless to say, we shed endless tears the rest of the day and night. All our family cried along with us. We didn't sleep a wink. I kept trying to wake up from this horrible nightmare but couldn't. It was real and it was happening to me.

It was the beginning of the end for my sweet innocent baby boy and the girl I used to be. I was about to be forever changed.

Sliver of Hope

I remember 12.29.10 as being somewhat of a peaceful day, considering the circumstances. Yes, the nerves were racing and we were scared of the unknown, but we still had hope. Today was the day we were going to get the amnio results....which were great and showed no signs of infection. The cerclage was now a go and was scheduled for the 30th. I remember feeling such peace as my prayers were being answered. I prayed so hard. What gave me the comfort I needed was something I saw in the clouds. I was staring out the window in my zone as I laid in the hospital bed and the clouds literally changed into the shape of a long haired figure holding a baby. I can still picture it in my mind like it was yesterday, every detail. I, at that moment thought it was a message from God telling me everything was going to be okay. It was an image of me holding our little man. We would get the chance to hold him. He was going to be okay. I was shocked to see something like that in the clouds and yet relieved at the hopeful message from above. Nothing like that has happened to me before. But, looking back now, two years later, I interpreted it the way I wanted it to go, with us keeping Kaden and being a family...not the horribly painful reality we were about to face. Maybe it was a sign to tell us we would be able to hold him after he was born and be able to meet him before we said goodbye. Maybe it was a sign that our baby boy was going to be okay up in heaven in the loving arms of our lord. Maybe it was a sign letting us know we were going to have another baby one day to hold and keep. Some things we will never least in this lifetime. So we held onto the last sliver of hope: a successful cerclage. This was the last night I slept with a sense of calming relief being pregnant with Kaden. I fell asleep holding onto hopes of a successful cerclage as my hands held our baby boy in my belly. Tomorrow was going to be a big day for us...

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Fingers Crossed

Two years ago today was the day I got my amnio. It was a necessary thing to do prior to my cerclage. I remember being so scared and nervous the doctor would break my bag of water. I also remember the needle crunching all the way through my stomach. Boy did it hurt! Afterwards, all we could do was wait....and wait......and wait for what seemed like an eternity for initial results. Once those came back, all we could do was wait more for final results. With fingers crossed, we prayed and held on to our hopes that everything would be okay and our little man would be saved. I don't think I slept a wink that day. My anxiety was running all over the place. We still had hope. I still had my son. I cherished every move he made in my belly. I held on to all my dreams of his arrival in less than 18 weeks. I held on to my faith in God. I held on to my husband's hand. I held my stomach. I held on to my sanity when thinking about all possible outcomes. I held on to Kaden's ultrasound photo. It was all I could do besides wait....

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Kaden's Countdown

Two years ago today, I was knocked from cloud 9. I was so thrilled to see my little man at my 21 week second trimester ultrasound. I remember seeing him move all around and definitely confirming we were having a baby boy. I was so proud to be this little guys mommy and I was already imagining his arrival: walks around the neighborhood, swinging on the swings at the park, rocking him to sleep in his room, first words and bike rides, and much much more.

When we were told we had to go to Hoag to see the specialists, we didn't quite understand the severity of the issue. We were told I would get a cerclage and be fine. Never did we imagine the devastating path we were about to head down.

And so today begins the countdown to my little man's birth and beyond, only two years later. I remember those days like they were yesterday. Every little detail forever imprinted in my mind. I have so much love for my little man. He will remain in my heart for a lifetime and beyond and will always be a member of our family.

Missing you Kaden xoxo

Friday, January 27, 2012

Missing You

Some days are so tough. I find myself thinking of you and the amazing person you would have been. Tears just creep down my cheeks when I least expect it, like now for instance. Watching tv doesn't help. I see premies going home for the hospital and think "What if?".... "What if Kaden were here with us today?" I want to wind back the hands of time so bad sometimes to change the outcome, to have you here. But then I think of your little sister who will be here in a few weeks and I know if you were still here with us we wouldn't have her. I find myself torn and selfish because I want both of you. I didn't plan this for my life but I guess this is what was meant for me...the path I was supposed to take. For some reason you were meant to be an angel in heaven and we were meant to have Rylei here with us. I will cherish everyday I have with Rylei like I cherished every moment I had with you. Not one day goes by that I don't think of you. I love you baby boy! Know that I am missing you and wishing you were here in my arms. Xoxo

Sunday, January 1, 2012


After the rain that has fallen this past year, 2012 is going to bring us our rainbow. It's going to be a great year for us!

Christmas Wishes

Winter is here and the holiday season is quickly approaching. As Christmas nears, my mind automatically wanders back to last year. It was the happiest I have ever been in my life. With my loving husband and boo bear by my side and our little boy kick boxing in my belly. Decorating the tree and drinking hot chocolate while we talked to Kaden about how excited we were to meet him. Sitting by the fire as the house sparkled with candles flickering to holiday jingles. Waking up on Christmas morning to sweet puppy kisses. Opening our presents as we videotaped every magic moment. What more could a girl ask for? Life couldn't get any better on my cloud 9.

This would have been Kaden's first Christmas. He would have been crawling around the presents and giggling up a storm. He would have loved playing with all the bows and wrapping paper and following Nia around the house.

We have yet to watch that special video from last Christmas. Maybe we were unknowingly saving it for this year. I am sure we will shed both tears of joy and of sorrow as we watch and remember our sweet little angel.

The magic of being blessed with such a wonderful family and strong support system has made each dark day a little brighter, so much so that my sunshine is shining brighter and brighter everyday. Pretty soon there will no longer be any lingering clouds in my sky and everyday will be warmed by the brightness of the summer sun at noon.

My wishes this Christmas are: to find peace in my heart in remembering my baby boy, to rediscover that holiday magic that used to live inside me and light up my soul, to keep Kaden's little sister cooking for several more weeks before she decides to come into this world, to find my cloud 9 once again.

I know in my heart my Christmas wishes will come true.