Kaden's Countdown

Two years ago today, I was knocked from cloud 9. I was so thrilled to see my little man at my 21 week second trimester ultrasound. I remember seeing him move all around and definitely confirming we were having a baby boy. I was so proud to be this little guys mommy and I was already imagining his arrival: walks around the neighborhood, swinging on the swings at the park, rocking him to sleep in his room, first words and bike rides, and much much more.

When we were told we had to go to Hoag to see the specialists, we didn't quite understand the severity of the issue. We were told I would get a cerclage and be fine. Never did we imagine the devastating path we were about to head down.

And so today begins the countdown to my little man's birth and beyond, only two years later. I remember those days like they were yesterday. Every little detail forever imprinted in my mind. I have so much love for my little man. He will remain in my heart for a lifetime and beyond and will always be a member of our family.

Missing you Kaden xoxo

Missing You

Some days are so tough. I find myself thinking of you and the amazing person you would have been. Tears just creep down my cheeks when I least expect it, like now for instance. Watching tv doesn't help. I see premies going home for the hospital and think "What if?".... "What if Kaden were here with us today?" I want to wind back the hands of time so bad sometimes to change the outcome, to have you here. But then I think of your little sister who will be here in a few weeks and I know if you were still here with us we wouldn't have her. I find myself torn and selfish because I want both of you. I didn't plan this for my life but I guess this is what was meant for me...the path I was supposed to take. For some reason you were meant to be an angel in heaven and we were meant to have Rylei here with us. I will cherish everyday I have with Rylei like I cherished every moment I had with you. Not one day goes by that I don't think of you. I love you baby boy! Know that I am missing you and wishing you were here in my arms. Xoxo

Rainbow

After the rain that has fallen this past year, 2012 is going to bring us our rainbow. It's going to be a great year for us!

Christmas Wishes

Winter is here and the holiday season is quickly approaching. As Christmas nears, my mind automatically wanders back to last year. It was the happiest I have ever been in my life. With my loving husband and boo bear by my side and our little boy kick boxing in my belly. Decorating the tree and drinking hot chocolate while we talked to Kaden about how excited we were to meet him. Sitting by the fire as the house sparkled with candles flickering to holiday jingles. Waking up on Christmas morning to sweet puppy kisses. Opening our presents as we videotaped every magic moment. What more could a girl ask for? Life couldn't get any better on my cloud 9.

This would have been Kaden's first Christmas. He would have been crawling around the presents and giggling up a storm. He would have loved playing with all the bows and wrapping paper and following Nia around the house.

We have yet to watch that special video from last Christmas. Maybe we were unknowingly saving it for this year. I am sure we will shed both tears of joy and of sorrow as we watch and remember our sweet little angel.

The magic of being blessed with such a wonderful family and strong support system has made each dark day a little brighter, so much so that my sunshine is shining brighter and brighter everyday. Pretty soon there will no longer be any lingering clouds in my sky and everyday will be warmed by the brightness of the summer sun at noon.

My wishes this Christmas are: to find peace in my heart in remembering my baby boy, to rediscover that holiday magic that used to live inside me and light up my soul, to keep Kaden's little sister cooking for several more weeks before she decides to come into this world, to find my cloud 9 once again.

I know in my heart my Christmas wishes will come true.

1st Birthday

One year ago today we welcomed you, our precious baby boy into the world. We were blessed to have met and truly loved you before you left and went to heaven. From the moment we laid eyes on you we were in love. From the moment I found out I was pregnant I was in love.

We will never forget any of our firsts with you: first kicks, first movements, first breaths, first mad face, first finger squeezes, first foot wiggles, first hugs, first kisses, first hello, first teddy bear, first blanket, first hat, first picture, first outfit. We will forever miss all of these firsts and the firsts we dreamed of having with you.

Every time I see a butterfly or look up at the sky I think of you. Every time I hold your bear I remember holding you in my arms. Every time I go to your beach I remember every second of the day we met. My perfect little man. :)

We hope you're having a wonderful 1st birthday party in heaven with all of your angel friends. We are celebrating your birthday here with a mint chip ice cream cake - mommy's favorite. We love and miss you baby boy!!!!

Happy 1st Birthday Kaden!!! Xoxo

Looking Back

A year ago yesterday our world was jolted by unexpected news at 21.5 weeks pregnant with you, our sweet baby boy. My cervix was dilated and I was admitted to the hospital with the hopes to get a cerclage. We didn't know how serious the situation was at the time because getting a stitch seemed pretty simple. Many doctors, nurses, and specialists saw us. The peri did an amnio which came back normal and the cerclage was scheduled. Things were looking very hopeful. I even saw the face a jesus in the clouds with a woman holding a baby. This was some divine message from above. I mean, who has ever had the chance to see something like this? It was a sign, I thought at the time, that you would be saved and everything would be okay. That I would hold you in my arms and you would stay with us. I found my smile briefly and a sense of peace with my faith. After six attempts the iv was in with meds and I was wheeled in the or. The anesthesiologist gave me the spinal and I was tilted at an angle on the table. The peri's began, as I prayed they wouldn't pop the bag of water and that you would be okay. My world came crashing down when mid procedure they had to stop because if an infection that was brewing. We knew at that point a horrible reality was evident.

We prayed and cried all day long. I've never shed so many years in my life. My eyes had never been so puffy. The next morning, on New Year's Eve of all days, my water broke. I was moved over to labor and delivery later that day and you were born at 7:55pm. It was the happiest moment for us welcoming you into the world and holding you for the first time. There were no cries and your eyes were still fused shut, but you were absolutely perfect! You were moving and making moms pissed off face. I'd be mad too, to come out to early. You were opening and closing that little mouth of yours for air and moving your little skis. The most precious moment is when you squeezed our fingers. We will never forget that. We hugged ad kissed you for ours as we held you tight. We talked to you and told you how much we lived you. We told you all about our plans we had with you and that we would see you again someday. After almost two hours with you, we had to say goodbye. Your tiny body was getting cold and we knew you were going to heaven. This moment, at 9:40pm, was truly the saddest moment of our lives. To say goodbye to you, our baby boy who we wanted more than anything. We held you for hours after you passed away. I wrapped you up over and over again. I memorized every curve of your face and every part of you. So I would never forget. So I would hold on to you forever.

The days and months that followed were the worst ever. Even today my heart aches for you to be here with us. But, I will never forget those magic moments with you. Ever! I love you Kaden and will until the end of time.

1st Christmas

Missing you on your 1st Christmas

Every part of me wishes you were here

Remembering your sweet face

Remembering your finger squeeze

Your sweet perfect baby feet

Cherishing every minute with you

Holding you tight in my arms

Remembering every part of you

I see your face when I close my eyes

Still wish I could see it today

Touched by your love forever

Mommy will never forget you

Always in my heart with love

Sweet baby Kaden, my little man

Nothing will ever break the bond of love we share as mother and son. I wish I could kiss your precious face once more. I love you more than words. Merry Christmas my sweet baby boy.

Halloween Blues

This October was supposed to be Kaden's first Halloween. I remember being so excited to dress him up. But, while little kids came to my house in their adorable costumes and all my friends show off their babies, I have no son to dress up. Kaden will never get to wear any of his outfits.  Seeing all this just pushes the knife in a little more. This isn't even close to what I pictured on his first Halloween. Will it get any easier? Every Halloween and holiday that passes will forever sting my heart and remind me of the little man that was kicking in my belly and breathing in my arms, my baby boy that is now an angel in heaven.

6 Months

Well, it has officially been 6 months since we welcomed our beautiful baby boy into the world only to turn around and say goodbye. When you say 6 months, it sounds like an eternity, but really it wasn't that long ago that I held Kaden in my arms as he squeezed my finger. Time really does fly. 

I miss him every minute of everyday as well as the life I envisioned with him.  A dream that is no longer possible. No walks around the neighborhood, bath-time giggles, rocking to sleep, snuggling, kissing, or watching him grow and meeting his milestones.

I am in a good place right now, for the most part. We remain hopeful that we will have the chance again to have another child: full term, chubby, kicking, screaming. 

I know our hearts will never be truly healed from this loss. It's as if a piece of me died too. I live with this reality everyday, sometimes waking with a heavy heart nothing seems to lighten.  As I live this daily, the world just keeps on going around me. Bills to pay, dinner to make, deadlines to meet. I wish I had the power to freeze time and travel back through it.  Make a difference, change the outcome. 

I still wonder why this was chosen for us, something I will never know. But, I have to trust that it was in His plan for us, whatever that plan may be. I watch my life unfold in front of my eyes, experiencing new things, meeting and connecting with new people. Evidently, these are all things that I was meant to do. 

Whatever I am faced with in the future, I hope and pray it is happy and peaceful. I believe I have had enough heartache for a lifetime. For now, I will make the most of everyday, enjoy the loved ones around me, make my dreams a reality, and continue to make Kaden proud of his mommy. That's all I really can do....right? 

Rollercoaster

Some days are just plain tough. And, other days are great. I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster. The ups and downs have been confusing and tiring. How long will this last? Forever? Who knows? I didn't even buy tickets for this crazy ride. But, apparently I was meant to go on it. For what reason, I will never know. All I can do is hold on, try and find the good along the way, and wait until it stops.