I miss him every minute of everyday as well as the life I envisioned with him. A dream that is no longer possible. No walks around the neighborhood, bath-time giggles, rocking to sleep, snuggling, kissing, or watching him grow and meeting his milestones.
I am in a good place right now, for the most part. We remain hopeful that we will have the chance again to have another child: full term, chubby, kicking, screaming.
I know our hearts will never be truly healed from this loss. It's as if a piece of me died too. I live with this reality everyday, sometimes waking with a heavy heart nothing seems to lighten. As I live this daily, the world just keeps on going around me. Bills to pay, dinner to make, deadlines to meet. I wish I had the power to freeze time and travel back through it. Make a difference, change the outcome.
I still wonder why this was chosen for us, something I will never know. But, I have to trust that it was in His plan for us, whatever that plan may be. I watch my life unfold in front of my eyes, experiencing new things, meeting and connecting with new people. Evidently, these are all things that I was meant to do.
Whatever I am faced with in the future, I hope and pray it is happy and peaceful. I believe I have had enough heartache for a lifetime. For now, I will make the most of everyday, enjoy the loved ones around me, make my dreams a reality, and continue to make Kaden proud of his mommy. That's all I really can do....right?