Friday, January 27, 2012
Some days are so tough. I find myself thinking of you and the amazing person you would have been. Tears just creep down my cheeks when I least expect it, like now for instance. Watching tv doesn't help. I see premies going home for the hospital and think "What if?".... "What if Kaden were here with us today?" I want to wind back the hands of time so bad sometimes to change the outcome, to have you here. But then I think of your little sister who will be here in a few weeks and I know if you were still here with us we wouldn't have her. I find myself torn and selfish because I want both of you. I didn't plan this for my life but I guess this is what was meant for me...the path I was supposed to take. For some reason you were meant to be an angel in heaven and we were meant to have Rylei here with us. I will cherish everyday I have with Rylei like I cherished every moment I had with you. Not one day goes by that I don't think of you. I love you baby boy! Know that I am missing you and wishing you were here in my arms. Xoxo
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Winter is here and the holiday season is quickly approaching. As Christmas nears, my mind automatically wanders back to last year. It was the happiest I have ever been in my life. With my loving husband and boo bear by my side and our little boy kick boxing in my belly. Decorating the tree and drinking hot chocolate while we talked to Kaden about how excited we were to meet him. Sitting by the fire as the house sparkled with candles flickering to holiday jingles. Waking up on Christmas morning to sweet puppy kisses. Opening our presents as we videotaped every magic moment. What more could a girl ask for? Life couldn't get any better on my cloud 9.
This would have been Kaden's first Christmas. He would have been crawling around the presents and giggling up a storm. He would have loved playing with all the bows and wrapping paper and following Nia around the house.
We have yet to watch that special video from last Christmas. Maybe we were unknowingly saving it for this year. I am sure we will shed both tears of joy and of sorrow as we watch and remember our sweet little angel.
The magic of being blessed with such a wonderful family and strong support system has made each dark day a little brighter, so much so that my sunshine is shining brighter and brighter everyday. Pretty soon there will no longer be any lingering clouds in my sky and everyday will be warmed by the brightness of the summer sun at noon.
My wishes this Christmas are: to find peace in my heart in remembering my baby boy, to rediscover that holiday magic that used to live inside me and light up my soul, to keep Kaden's little sister cooking for several more weeks before she decides to come into this world, to find my cloud 9 once again.
I know in my heart my Christmas wishes will come true.