Saturday, December 31, 2011

1st Birthday

One year ago today we welcomed you, our precious baby boy into the world. We were blessed to have met and truly loved you before you left and went to heaven. From the moment we laid eyes on you we were in love. From the moment I found out I was pregnant I was in love.

We will never forget any of our firsts with you: first kicks, first movements, first breaths, first mad face, first finger squeezes, first foot wiggles, first hugs, first kisses, first hello, first teddy bear, first blanket, first hat, first picture, first outfit. We will forever miss all of these firsts and the firsts we dreamed of having with you.

Every time I see a butterfly or look up at the sky I think of you. Every time I hold your bear I remember holding you in my arms. Every time I go to your beach I remember every second of the day we met. My perfect little man. :)

We hope you're having a wonderful 1st birthday party in heaven with all of your angel friends. We are celebrating your birthday here with a mint chip ice cream cake - mommy's favorite. We love and miss you baby boy!!!!

Happy 1st Birthday Kaden!!! Xoxo

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Looking Back

A year ago yesterday our world was jolted by unexpected news at 21.5 weeks pregnant with you, our sweet baby boy. My cervix was dilated and I was admitted to the hospital with the hopes to get a cerclage. We didn't know how serious the situation was at the time because getting a stitch seemed pretty simple. Many doctors, nurses, and specialists saw us. The peri did an amnio which came back normal and the cerclage was scheduled. Things were looking very hopeful. I even saw the face a jesus in the clouds with a woman holding a baby. This was some divine message from above. I mean, who has ever had the chance to see something like this? It was a sign, I thought at the time, that you would be saved and everything would be okay. That I would hold you in my arms and you would stay with us. I found my smile briefly and a sense of peace with my faith. After six attempts the iv was in with meds and I was wheeled in the or. The anesthesiologist gave me the spinal and I was tilted at an angle on the table. The peri's began, as I prayed they wouldn't pop the bag of water and that you would be okay. My world came crashing down when mid procedure they had to stop because if an infection that was brewing. We knew at that point a horrible reality was evident.

We prayed and cried all day long. I've never shed so many years in my life. My eyes had never been so puffy. The next morning, on New Year's Eve of all days, my water broke. I was moved over to labor and delivery later that day and you were born at 7:55pm. It was the happiest moment for us welcoming you into the world and holding you for the first time. There were no cries and your eyes were still fused shut, but you were absolutely perfect! You were moving and making moms pissed off face. I'd be mad too, to come out to early. You were opening and closing that little mouth of yours for air and moving your little skis. The most precious moment is when you squeezed our fingers. We will never forget that. We hugged ad kissed you for ours as we held you tight. We talked to you and told you how much we lived you. We told you all about our plans we had with you and that we would see you again someday. After almost two hours with you, we had to say goodbye. Your tiny body was getting cold and we knew you were going to heaven. This moment, at 9:40pm, was truly the saddest moment of our lives. To say goodbye to you, our baby boy who we wanted more than anything. We held you for hours after you passed away. I wrapped you up over and over again. I memorized every curve of your face and every part of you. So I would never forget. So I would hold on to you forever.

The days and months that followed were the worst ever. Even today my heart aches for you to be here with us. But, I will never forget those magic moments with you. Ever! I love you Kaden and will until the end of time.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

1st Christmas

Missing you on your 1st Christmas
Every part of me wishes you were here
Remembering your sweet face
Remembering your finger squeeze
Your sweet perfect baby feet

Cherishing every minute with you
Holding you tight in my arms
Remembering every part of you
I see your face when I close my eyes
Still wish I could see it today
Touched by your love forever
Mommy will never forget you
Always in my heart with love
Sweet baby Kaden, my little man

Nothing will ever break the bond of love we share as mother and son. I wish I could kiss your precious face once more. I love you more than words. Merry Christmas my sweet baby boy.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Halloween Blues

This October was supposed to be Kaden's first Halloween. I remember being so excited to dress him up. But, while little kids came to my house in their adorable costumes and all my friends show off their babies, I have no son to dress up. Kaden will never get to wear any of his outfits.  Seeing all this just pushes the knife in a little more. This isn't even close to what I pictured on his first Halloween. Will it get any easier? Every Halloween and holiday that passes will forever sting my heart and remind me of the little man that was kicking in my belly and breathing in my arms, my baby boy that is now an angel in heaven.