Saturday, December 31, 2011

1st Birthday

One year ago today we welcomed you, our precious baby boy into the world. We were blessed to have met and truly loved you before you left and went to heaven. From the moment we laid eyes on you we were in love. From the moment I found out I was pregnant I was in love.

We will never forget any of our firsts with you: first kicks, first movements, first breaths, first mad face, first finger squeezes, first foot wiggles, first hugs, first kisses, first hello, first teddy bear, first blanket, first hat, first picture, first outfit. We will forever miss all of these firsts and the firsts we dreamed of having with you.

Every time I see a butterfly or look up at the sky I think of you. Every time I hold your bear I remember holding you in my arms. Every time I go to your beach I remember every second of the day we met. My perfect little man. :)

We hope you're having a wonderful 1st birthday party in heaven with all of your angel friends. We are celebrating your birthday here with a mint chip ice cream cake - mommy's favorite. We love and miss you baby boy!!!!

Happy 1st Birthday Kaden!!! Xoxo

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Looking Back

A year ago yesterday our world was jolted by unexpected news at 21.5 weeks pregnant with you, our sweet baby boy. My cervix was dilated and I was admitted to the hospital with the hopes to get a cerclage. We didn't know how serious the situation was at the time because getting a stitch seemed pretty simple. Many doctors, nurses, and specialists saw us. The peri did an amnio which came back normal and the cerclage was scheduled. Things were looking very hopeful. I even saw the face a jesus in the clouds with a woman holding a baby. This was some divine message from above. I mean, who has ever had the chance to see something like this? It was a sign, I thought at the time, that you would be saved and everything would be okay. That I would hold you in my arms and you would stay with us. I found my smile briefly and a sense of peace with my faith. After six attempts the iv was in with meds and I was wheeled in the or. The anesthesiologist gave me the spinal and I was tilted at an angle on the table. The peri's began, as I prayed they wouldn't pop the bag of water and that you would be okay. My world came crashing down when mid procedure they had to stop because if an infection that was brewing. We knew at that point a horrible reality was evident.

We prayed and cried all day long. I've never shed so many years in my life. My eyes had never been so puffy. The next morning, on New Year's Eve of all days, my water broke. I was moved over to labor and delivery later that day and you were born at 7:55pm. It was the happiest moment for us welcoming you into the world and holding you for the first time. There were no cries and your eyes were still fused shut, but you were absolutely perfect! You were moving and making moms pissed off face. I'd be mad too, to come out to early. You were opening and closing that little mouth of yours for air and moving your little skis. The most precious moment is when you squeezed our fingers. We will never forget that. We hugged ad kissed you for ours as we held you tight. We talked to you and told you how much we lived you. We told you all about our plans we had with you and that we would see you again someday. After almost two hours with you, we had to say goodbye. Your tiny body was getting cold and we knew you were going to heaven. This moment, at 9:40pm, was truly the saddest moment of our lives. To say goodbye to you, our baby boy who we wanted more than anything. We held you for hours after you passed away. I wrapped you up over and over again. I memorized every curve of your face and every part of you. So I would never forget. So I would hold on to you forever.

The days and months that followed were the worst ever. Even today my heart aches for you to be here with us. But, I will never forget those magic moments with you. Ever! I love you Kaden and will until the end of time.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

1st Christmas

Missing you on your 1st Christmas
Every part of me wishes you were here
Remembering your sweet face
Remembering your finger squeeze
Your sweet perfect baby feet

Cherishing every minute with you
Holding you tight in my arms
Remembering every part of you
I see your face when I close my eyes
Still wish I could see it today
Touched by your love forever
Mommy will never forget you
Always in my heart with love
Sweet baby Kaden, my little man

Nothing will ever break the bond of love we share as mother and son. I wish I could kiss your precious face once more. I love you more than words. Merry Christmas my sweet baby boy.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Halloween Blues

This October was supposed to be Kaden's first Halloween. I remember being so excited to dress him up. But, while little kids came to my house in their adorable costumes and all my friends show off their babies, I have no son to dress up. Kaden will never get to wear any of his outfits.  Seeing all this just pushes the knife in a little more. This isn't even close to what I pictured on his first Halloween. Will it get any easier? Every Halloween and holiday that passes will forever sting my heart and remind me of the little man that was kicking in my belly and breathing in my arms, my baby boy that is now an angel in heaven.

Friday, July 1, 2011

6 Months

Well, it has officially been 6 months since we welcomed our beautiful baby boy into the world only to turn around and say goodbye. When you say 6 months, it sounds like an eternity, but really it wasn't that long ago that I held Kaden in my arms as he squeezed my finger. Time really does fly. 

I miss him every minute of everyday as well as the life I envisioned with him.  A dream that is no longer possible. No walks around the neighborhood, bath-time giggles, rocking to sleep, snuggling, kissing, or watching him grow and meeting his milestones.

I am in a good place right now, for the most part. We remain hopeful that we will have the chance again to have another child: full term, chubby, kicking, screaming. 

I know our hearts will never be truly healed from this loss. It's as if a piece of me died too. I live with this reality everyday, sometimes waking with a heavy heart nothing seems to lighten.  As I live this daily, the world just keeps on going around me. Bills to pay, dinner to make, deadlines to meet. I wish I had the power to freeze time and travel back through it.  Make a difference, change the outcome. 

I still wonder why this was chosen for us, something I will never know. But, I have to trust that it was in His plan for us, whatever that plan may be. I watch my life unfold in front of my eyes, experiencing new things, meeting and connecting with new people. Evidently, these are all things that I was meant to do. 

Whatever I am faced with in the future, I hope and pray it is happy and peaceful. I believe I have had enough heartache for a lifetime. For now, I will make the most of everyday, enjoy the loved ones around me, make my dreams a reality, and continue to make Kaden proud of his mommy. That's all I really can do....right? 

Monday, June 13, 2011


Some days are just plain tough. And, other days are great. I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster. The ups and downs have been confusing and tiring. How long will this last? Forever? Who knows? I didn't even buy tickets for this crazy ride. But, apparently I was meant to go on it. For what reason, I will never know. All I can do is hold on, try and find the good along the way, and wait until it stops.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Beautiful Poem


Hidden in the clouds,
Above the wavy sea,

There is a place called Heaven,

And it’s calling out to me.
I really hate to leave you,

All alone and so upset,

But I know you really love me,

And that you won’t forget.
My time with you’s been short,

But I don’t want you to be sad,

Celebrate the memories,

And all the good times that we had.
Butterflies surround me,

Coloured pink with streaks of gold,

And all the other kids here,

Say that we’ll never get old.
So when you’re feeling down,

And you miss me more than ever,

Remember that I’m happy,

And that I’ll be with you forever.

By Maya Hayden-Evans

1st Mother's Day

What can I say? This was not exactly the first Mother's Day I envisioned for myself. I was supposed to have my brand new baby boy here with me. To snuggle with, hold, kiss, love, enjoy, talk to, make silly faces at, put to bed, and to keep here with me. But instead, I have an empty crib, empty arms, a broken heart, and forced smiles. I just want to be wished a happy Mother's Day from the world around me. But, I know people are afraid to say it. Maybe they don't want to upset me. I don't know. Many people closest to me have sent their sweet motherly wishes. I am so thankful for their caring thoughts, because I am a mom. But, lack of acknowledgment feels as if I don't matter, as if Kaden wasn't real. It deeply saddens me. This day is just another reminder that Kaden is gone. I pictured this day to be the happiest of my life. With everyone so thrilled for my new addition, with me literally on cloud nine, beaming with joy because of my son. 

I know someday I will make this dream a reality. I know I will be able to bring home my second child and truly enjoy my next Mother's Day. I know my loving husband is always there for me. I know Kaden is always there for me too, in spirit. I hope all of the beautiful mothers in my life has a happy Mother's Day today. Hold your sweet little ones a bit closer, give them extra kisses, and cherish every precious minute you have with them. xoxo

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Really Gone

Today was a good day, although tears have come and gone in waves. The hubby and I decided to spend the beautiful afternoon at "Kaden's Beach." This beach has such a special meaning to us. It has been a place where we go together, just the two of us. It holds many memories. We find so much love, happiness, and peace there...exactly what we needed today.

As we sat on the beach, I asked for a sign that everything was going to be okay for our future children. A message in the clouds, a rainbow, something. Then out of nowhere two dolphins appeared right in front of the beach. Not just two adult dolphins, a mother and its baby. They stayed for a quite awhile as we sat watching in awe. This was my sign. A message from above, at least that is how I interpreted this magical moment.

The day is now winding down and the reality is sinking in. My son is gone. He is not coming back. I will never hold him, kiss him,  or rock him in my arms again. This day, his due date, solidifies the end. This truth is painful. Yet, when I picture him in heaven, I imagine him wearing an angelic white onesie with a brand new pair of white wings and a tiny halo. His eyes open with a smile on his face. Happily playing with all his little friends. I know he is in good hands and that he is happy. I also know that he would not want his mommy to be sad with such inner turmoil. I promise my baby boy that I will move forward the best that I can. To find inner peace and happiness once more. I have such wonderful support all around me from my loving husband, family, friends, and the beautiful mommies who share my heartbreak. I feel so blessed.

I have such high hopes for the future, yet the thought of losing another baby strikes fear inside me at the same time.  I will continue to remain optimistic.  I will not let this fear prevent me from having a family.  From reaching my dream, My strength will not let fear win. I really do look forward to telling Kaden's future brothers and sisters about their older brother. I will continue to think of my baby boy everyday for the rest of my life...all happy loving thoughts, cherishing the brief but unforgettable time I had with my little man.

Due Date

Today  marks a very special and important day in my life. It would have been my precious baby boy's due date. But God had other plans. His furniture sits in his room ready for him, but he will never come home to us. Kaden is gone. I know he is up in heaven now as one of God's beautiful angels.

My weekly milestones have passed and this day has finally arrived. The anticipation consuming me every step of the way. Now I will have the larger milestones each year to encounter: the day he was born 12.31.10, his official due date 5.5.11, and the day of his cremation 1.1.11. New Year's Eve and Cinco de Mayo will forever have a different meaning for us. Kaden will live on forever in our family and will never be forgotten. We will tell his future brothers and sisters all about him. We will honor his memory. He will always be our sweet baby boy, our son, our little man. I know we will see him again, when it's my turn to go to heaven. Until that day, I will continue to smile when I think of him and look at his pictures. I will work everyday at mending my heart and finding peace. I will somehow find the strength to move forward.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Making a Difference

On New Years Eve, we welcomed our sweet baby boy into the world. Becoming parents was the happiest moment in our lives. Baby Kaden was born prematurely at only 5 1/2 months. He weighed 1 pound 3 ounces and was 11 1/2 inches long. He lived for two precious hours. During his short life, we hugged, kissed, held, loved, admired, and talked to our perfectly handsome baby boy. Our hearts were truly filled with such an indescribable love. Our bond with him shall forever remain unbreakable. The connection between a child and parent is like no other we have ever experienced. He will live on forever in our family, memory, and hearts. 

Although he is gone and his spirit is in heaven, he left such a powerful impact on our lives. Everyday is more precious than we know. We cherish every minute we spent with our baby boy and every minute we spend with our loved ones. We want to help other families who are at risk of experiencing the tragedy we have. No one should have to lose a child. This is why we are so proud to join the Orange County Walk to Remember. The walk will be held on Saturday, October 15, 2011 at the District in Tustin. This day is so special because it is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. We will be walking in honor of our “Little Man” as well as all the other babies who are no longer with us. Our goal is to raise money to help others. By participating in the Orange County Walk to Remember, we can make this goal a reality. We would be truly honored if you would be willing to support us and and our dream of saving innocent lives. We would also love for you to join us in the walk. More details can be found at or you may go directly to our team link at Our team name is Baby Kaden. 

 We thank you from the bottom of our hearts for your endless support. Your kind words, hugs, and smile have been a true comfort. It means more than the world to us to have you in our lives. We are forever grateful for your support in honoring baby Kaden.

Our Heartbreak

On December 27, 2010, at 21 weeks pregnant with our son Kaden, my husband and I were thrilled for our second trimester ultrasound. To see him on the screen moving around and to bring home his pictures were what we were looking forward to most. We only had a few months to go before we would get to meet him for the first time. Our little man, our baby boy, our son. 

What we didn't plan for was the shocking news that was bestowed upon us at that very visit. My cervix was thinned out and I was dilated 2 cm. My cervix was not holding the weight of the baby. The plan was to get an emergency cerclage and go on bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy. I was ready to do anything to save my son. I was admitted to the hospital that same day and saw our high risk doctor. Apparently I was contracting like crazy, although I didn't feel a thing. Prior to the procedure, the doctors needed to check for infection. Waiting for the results was true torture. We were literally going out of our minds in fear of the worst. To our relief the amnio and culture both came back negative and we had the green light for the stitch. I was given a spinal and wheeled into the OR. Things started off well. However, mid procedure our world was shattered. A newly forming infection was spotted. No medicine would prevent it from brewing. The doctors could no longer continue. The choices we were faced with were to let nature take its course or to induce and deliver immediately. He was just too little and underdeveloped to be saved, a painful reality.

No parent should be faced with this decision. I, of course, wanted him to remain inside of me for as long as possible. He was healthy on the inside of the sac, however, my body was trying to force out the infection on the outside. My husband and I cried for hours and hours and tried to overcome the shock. Taking in the information at the time was a blur. We decided to think about it and try to settle down for the night. Sleepless, broken in every possible way, and deeply saddened, we somehow made it to the next day. In the early hours of New Year's Eve my water broke on its own. I was relieved because we did not have to officially make a life altering decision. But, I was also crushed because I knew there was no way to stop him from coming. We were going to lose our little man. Our dreams of him and the future envisioned with him were going to be taken from us too. 

Around noon on that day, I was moved over to L&D. The hours, minutes, and seconds that passed were excruciating because we knew the outcome. We would meet our little man, say goodbye, and leave the hospital empty handed. Hearts broken, world shattered, forever changed. My labor progressed as the day passed, and at 7:55pm on New Year's Eve, our baby boy was born. He was 1 pound 3 ounces and 11 1/2 inches long. Although his eyes were still fused shut, and he was so premature, he was breathing on his own. We loved, kissed, held, talked to, admired, and bonded with our son for almost 2 hours. He squeezed our fingers, moved his big feet, and opened and closed his little mouth to breathe. He looked so much like my husband with a tiny splash of me. He was so handsome, so perfect. It was the happiest moment in our lives. The unspoken bond between a parent and child is truly indescribable. There are no words. To experience this love,so powerful, is like a dream. At 9:40pm our baby boy passed away in our loving arms. This by far, was the saddest moment in our lives. So bittersweet. We will forever cherish the time we had with him. His memory will live on, and he will always be our first son. His pictures and footprints will always be a happy reminder of the time we had with him. His life, as short as it was, marks the most important time in my life. We will always be his parents. We will always love our son. His life and memory will live on with us forever. All we can do is try to move forward one day at a time.