Looking Back

A year ago yesterday our world was jolted by unexpected news at 21.5 weeks pregnant with you, our sweet baby boy. My cervix was dilated and I was admitted to the hospital with the hopes to get a cerclage. We didn't know how serious the situation was at the time because getting a stitch seemed pretty simple. Many doctors, nurses, and specialists saw us. The peri did an amnio which came back normal and the cerclage was scheduled. Things were looking very hopeful. I even saw the face a jesus in the clouds with a woman holding a baby. This was some divine message from above. I mean, who has ever had the chance to see something like this? It was a sign, I thought at the time, that you would be saved and everything would be okay. That I would hold you in my arms and you would stay with us. I found my smile briefly and a sense of peace with my faith. After six attempts the iv was in with meds and I was wheeled in the or. The anesthesiologist gave me the spinal and I was tilted at an angle on the table. The peri's began, as I prayed they wouldn't pop the bag of water and that you would be okay. My world came crashing down when mid procedure they had to stop because if an infection that was brewing. We knew at that point a horrible reality was evident.

We prayed and cried all day long. I've never shed so many years in my life. My eyes had never been so puffy. The next morning, on New Year's Eve of all days, my water broke. I was moved over to labor and delivery later that day and you were born at 7:55pm. It was the happiest moment for us welcoming you into the world and holding you for the first time. There were no cries and your eyes were still fused shut, but you were absolutely perfect! You were moving and making moms pissed off face. I'd be mad too, to come out to early. You were opening and closing that little mouth of yours for air and moving your little skis. The most precious moment is when you squeezed our fingers. We will never forget that. We hugged ad kissed you for ours as we held you tight. We talked to you and told you how much we lived you. We told you all about our plans we had with you and that we would see you again someday. After almost two hours with you, we had to say goodbye. Your tiny body was getting cold and we knew you were going to heaven. This moment, at 9:40pm, was truly the saddest moment of our lives. To say goodbye to you, our baby boy who we wanted more than anything. We held you for hours after you passed away. I wrapped you up over and over again. I memorized every curve of your face and every part of you. So I would never forget. So I would hold on to you forever.

The days and months that followed were the worst ever. Even today my heart aches for you to be here with us. But, I will never forget those magic moments with you. Ever! I love you Kaden and will until the end of time.