Sunday, December 30, 2012

Sliver of Hope

I remember 12.29.10 as being somewhat of a peaceful day, considering the circumstances. Yes, the nerves were racing and we were scared of the unknown, but we still had hope. Today was the day we were going to get the amnio results....which were great and showed no signs of infection. The cerclage was now a go and was scheduled for the 30th. I remember feeling such peace as my prayers were being answered. I prayed so hard. What gave me the comfort I needed was something I saw in the clouds. I was staring out the window in my zone as I laid in the hospital bed and the clouds literally changed into the shape of a long haired figure holding a baby. I can still picture it in my mind like it was yesterday, every detail. I, at that moment thought it was a message from God telling me everything was going to be okay. It was an image of me holding our little man. We would get the chance to hold him. He was going to be okay. I was shocked to see something like that in the clouds and yet relieved at the hopeful message from above. Nothing like that has happened to me before. But, looking back now, two years later, I interpreted it the way I wanted it to go, with us keeping Kaden and being a family...not the horribly painful reality we were about to face. Maybe it was a sign to tell us we would be able to hold him after he was born and be able to meet him before we said goodbye. Maybe it was a sign that our baby boy was going to be okay up in heaven in the loving arms of our lord. Maybe it was a sign letting us know we were going to have another baby one day to hold and keep. Some things we will never least in this lifetime. So we held onto the last sliver of hope: a successful cerclage. This was the last night I slept with a sense of calming relief being pregnant with Kaden. I fell asleep holding onto hopes of a successful cerclage as my hands held our baby boy in my belly. Tomorrow was going to be a big day for us...

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