Monday, December 31, 2012

Becoming Parents

Two years ago today was the day Wade and I became parents for the first time, on New Year's Eve.

After not sleeping a wink the night before, tears continued to stream down our faces. At 5ish in the morning my water broke. I remember not telling anyone because I wanted to hold on to Kaden a little longer. I knew it wasn't long before we would lose him forever. My thoughts and emotions were everywhere and overworked. I was becoming numb to all the pain surrounding me.

Mid day I was moved over to labor and delivery. A room I imagined being in with a smile on my face and a baby to take home. With balloons, a newborn outfit, and a new car seat. None of those things were there. The room felt cold, empty, and gloomy.

I remember my day nurse, Kristen, telling me that Kaden might already be gone when he is born. That his coloring would be off, his skin would be sticky and thin, and his eyes would be fused shut. She was preparing us for the inevitable. My ears rang a numbing sound as I listened to her words. What stung the most is her handing me a pamphlet about loss and a book about an empty cradle and a broken heart....all before our son was born. My heart ached even more then it already did. Something I didn't think was possible.

The hours passed and my labor progressed. My nurse and I chatted about other things to stay occupied: books, movies, school, life. Wade and I talked about the dreams we had for our little man: all the firsts, walks around the neighborhood, bringing him home, etc. He held my hand the while time and never let go. I remember him comforting me as I broke down in spurts throughout the day. He looked at me with love although I looked like a swollen puff ball with eyes that barely opened. It was during these moments I thought if our wedding vows: for better or worse. This was our worst. And he was right there by my side. We were together every step of the way.

I remember feeling Kaden drop and telling my night nurse, Cassie, that I felt the urge to push. I remember her calling my OB's partner to come in since it was New Year's Eve and she was out of town. When he got there, I knew it was near the end. The end of holding on to my son. A son we wanted very much. A little boy who was and is still loved very much.

After 15 hours of labor, from the time my water broke, and five pushes, our son Kaden was born. He was alive and moving and perfect. As soon as I saw him and held him I was in love beyond words. I will never forget the way he moved his skis and opened and closed his little mouth. Wade and I were crying happy and sad tears. Happy tears because we brought our beautify baby boy into the world. We were parents. He was ours. Sad tears because we didn't know how long we had with him. I remember cherishing every moment we had, every second. We talked to him, kissed him, held him. We told him about his puppy, his room, and special things about our family. The best part was when he squeezed both of our fingers. He felt our love. He was telling us he loved us back. We felt his love too.

Those precious two hours we spent with him were amazing. I memorized every part of his face and his little body, so I would never forget it. I never wanted that time with him to end. I wanted to keep Kaden forever. We told him we would see him one day in Heaven. We told him we loved him. Those were the last words we said to him. Ever.

As people celebrated the new year, we held our lifeless cold son. Most parents get to dress their baby and hear sweet little cries. We put him in a box. The only crying was from us. We went home empty handed and empty bellied to what seemed like a dark quiet prison. Something no parent should ever have to do.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. Not in my mind anyway. But God apparently had another plan for us. He needed our little angel up in Heaven. I'll forever wonder the reason why he was taken from us so soon. But I have no choice, I must continue down the path that was set for me. I know if he was still here with us, we wouldn't have Rylei. And she has brought us so much joy and filled our hearts with so much love. She brought our smiles back. She was the sunshine that made our dark days disappear.

Today we celebrate Kaden's 2nd birthday. But this year, we have our sweet Rylei Bear with us. We look back and remember our short time with him. Although he is physically gone, he will forever be with us in our hearts. He will forever be our son, our first child, and a member of our family. He is our little man, our angel. And we know he watches over us and protects us. Always.

We love you baby boy!! Happy 2nd Birthday!! We know your celebrating up in heaven with all your sweet little angel baby friends. This year mommy made you funfetti cake. We will blow out your second birthday candle for you tonight with love. Xoxo

KLMS <3 <3

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