On December 27, 2010, at 21 weeks pregnant with our son Kaden, my husband and I were thrilled for our second trimester ultrasound. To see him on the screen moving around and to bring home his pictures were what we were looking forward to most. We only had a few months to go before we would get to meet him for the first time. Our little man, our baby boy, our son.
What we didn't plan for was the shocking news that was bestowed upon us at that very visit. My cervix was thinned out and I was dilated 2 cm. My cervix was not holding the weight of the baby. The plan was to get an emergency cerclage and go on bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy. I was ready to do anything to save my son. I was admitted to the hospital that same day and saw our high risk doctor. Apparently I was contracting like crazy, although I didn't feel a thing. Prior to the procedure, the doctors needed to check for infection. Waiting for the results was true torture. We were literally going out of our minds in fear of the worst. To our relief the amnio and culture both came back negative and we had the green light for the stitch. I was given a spinal and wheeled into the OR. Things started off well. However, mid procedure our world was shattered. A newly forming infection was spotted. No medicine would prevent it from brewing. The doctors could no longer continue. The choices we were faced with were to let nature take its course or to induce and deliver immediately. He was just too little and underdeveloped to be saved, a painful reality.
No parent should be faced with this decision. I, of course, wanted him to remain inside of me for as long as possible. He was healthy on the inside of the sac, however, my body was trying to force out the infection on the outside. My husband and I cried for hours and hours and tried to overcome the shock. Taking in the information at the time was a blur. We decided to think about it and try to settle down for the night. Sleepless, broken in every possible way, and deeply saddened, we somehow made it to the next day. In the early hours of New Year's Eve my water broke on its own. I was relieved because we did not have to officially make a life altering decision. But, I was also crushed because I knew there was no way to stop him from coming. We were going to lose our little man. Our dreams of him and the future envisioned with him were going to be taken from us too.
Around noon on that day, I was moved over to L&D. The hours, minutes, and seconds that passed were excruciating because we knew the outcome. We would meet our little man, say goodbye, and leave the hospital empty handed. Hearts broken, world shattered, forever changed. My labor progressed as the day passed, and at 7:55pm on New Year's Eve, our baby boy was born. He was 1 pound 3 ounces and 11 1/2 inches long. Although his eyes were still fused shut, and he was so premature, he was breathing on his own. We loved, kissed, held, talked to, admired, and bonded with our son for almost 2 hours. He squeezed our fingers, moved his big feet, and opened and closed his little mouth to breathe. He looked so much like my husband with a tiny splash of me. He was so handsome, so perfect. It was the happiest moment in our lives. The unspoken bond between a parent and child is truly indescribable. There are no words. To experience this love,so powerful, is like a dream. At 9:40pm our baby boy passed away in our loving arms. This by far, was the saddest moment in our lives. So bittersweet. We will forever cherish the time we had with him. His memory will live on, and he will always be our first son. His pictures and footprints will always be a happy reminder of the time we had with him. His life, as short as it was, marks the most important time in my life. We will always be his parents. We will always love our son. His life and memory will live on with us forever. All we can do is try to move forward one day at a time.
